Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
