i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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