Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
