I heard we made out
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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