I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
