a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
