My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize