Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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