I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
