kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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