Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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