So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize