I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
