i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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