Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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