farters have to be the big spoon...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
