This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
