it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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