Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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