is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
