My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Randomize
