My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
What a dumb baby whore.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
