Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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