Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
