Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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