So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
