When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize