Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
