3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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