You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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