As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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