I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
