What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
