When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
