dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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