I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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