if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
