I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Randomize
