I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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