My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
