Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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