Since when is my name a synonym for head?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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