Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The beer is more important than you right now.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize