As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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