I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize