I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
