it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
