I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
