Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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