Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
