My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
