Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
