I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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