Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
