Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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