I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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