My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize