I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just pee around me
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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