I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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