There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
