The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
