Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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