Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
