Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
