I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
