I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
