She is in my trunk
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
